


with a terrible hunger

by brooklynstevies



Series: the addendum series [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas is going to give it to him, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 19:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30144297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brooklynstevies/pseuds/brooklynstevies
Summary: cas would take and take if only he had the permission and dean was so willing to give if only someone would ask.or a continuation of my bloody valentine.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: the addendum series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2209710
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	with a terrible hunger

**Author's Note:**

  * For [extemporaneous](https://archiveofourown.org/users/extemporaneous/gifts).



For the first time, Castiel—Cas—feels hunger. He has felt so many things over the past couple of months, but none so deeply as this. It’s different than before— this want has never been this deep, this ravenous. He wants, he _wants_ , and what will stop him from taking? What will stop him from taking now that he has started making his own decisions? 

His want runs deep, and in this moment, he is still looking at Dean Winchester.

-

When Cas asks Dean, _what is your hunger_ , he means it in a truly earnest way. There’s an itch underneath his skin, something that can’t be satisfied just by meat. This isn’t Jimmy. This is solely Cas.

God said not to covet and didn’t say anything about it applying to angels. Cas thinks about this perhaps more than he should.

God said not to covet, and here Cas is, looking at one Dean Winchester. 

Dean doesn’t want anything, doesn’t want _for anything_ , but it seems more a lie than ever before. Cas sees it in the way that Dean holds his body, the way he will deny himself what he truly desires. Cas has only known the man for a year or so, but even he knows this. 

Cas will take and take and take if given permission, but Dean will not ask for himself. 

When Cas asks Dean, this is what he means. And still, there is nothing, only what can pass as silent glances between the two of them. 

It doesn’t make the want any less.

-

They defeat Famine, but nothing changes. If anything, Dean shies away from touch—the taunt of being dead inside hitting too hard.

They are driving back from the hellscape of the broken town, the slow rumble of the Impala’s engines a soothing lullaby. Cas is in the backseat, having decided to accompany the brothers back to Bobby’s house. Dean’s knuckles are white around the steering wheel, jaw clenched tight. 

Cas tilts his head, contemplating. There is no easy way to ask Dean if he is okay. He thinks about the fact that with Famine gone, his hunger should have ended. He thinks about the way it would be so easy to reach out. 

Dean veers off the road, the flickering lights of an empty gas station illuminating the night sky. Before Cas can say anything, Dean is slamming the door of the Impala and stalking off. 

Cas looks over at Sam, asleep next to him, before blinking out and appearing next to Dean. The man is leaning heavily against the door, head bowed, knuckles already bruised and bloody. Cas lays a tentative hand on Dean’s shoulder. 

“What do you need?”

The question lingers in the air, Dean violently shuddering at the contact. His hands clench into fists. Cas grabs his wrist, pulling him around to look him in the eyes.

Dean will not meet his gaze. The muscle in his jaw twitches, a sign he’s still gritting his teeth. After all they’ve been through in the last couple of days—the accusation by Famine, the never-ending hunger—it seems like Dean will not allow himself to voice his thoughts. 

Cas tries once more. “What do you need?”

“Don’t want anything, didn’t you hear? Dead inside, that’s me.” Dean laughs, a pale imitation of the real thing. 

Cas gathers the bloody hands in both of his, examining the cuts. “I did not ask you what you wanted, Dean Winchester, I asked you what you need.” The other man hisses in pain as Cas prods the open wounds.

Continuing, Cas remarks, “It is shameful, to me particularly, that after all the hard work I went to after to rebuild this body, you seem intent on harming it.”

The glow of Cas’ healing powers does not illuminate the air around them like it did the last time. It feels more intimate, somehow. Dean closes his eyes, rocking backwards. 

“I will ask you again, Dean, about what you need. Not want, but _need_.” The glow subsides as Dean is fully healed, but Cas doesn’t drop the man’s hands. Instead, he trails his palm over the top of Dean’s leather jacket. It’s the most contact that either of them has ever initiated since the motel room. 

“Is it this?” Cas asks, drawing his hand away before gripping Dean’s jaw. It makes Dean look directly at Cas, to understand that Cas means what he’s saying. 

Dean opens his mouth as if to say something but thinks better of it. 

“Are you so afraid to voice it? That it will disappear the moment you speak it into existence?” Cas ponders. Maybe this is it; Dean’s want conflated with his need to be seen, all wrapped up in the idea that he does not deserve it. 

Dean closes his eyes, a shaky, rough exhale escaping him. “I don’t deserve it, Cas.”

Cas raises an eyebrow. “Who are you to decide that? I put you back together. I know you better than you know yourself—I’ve seen all of you. Do you not think that I know whether or not you deserve it? Deserve this?”

“It’s not—”

“Why must you belittle my opinion of yourself? I know you just as well as you think you know yourself.” 

Cas relaxes his grip, moving his hand to cup the underside of Dean’s jaw. He steps closer still. Cas wants and wants and if given permission, he’d take. “Is this what you want? Need?”

Dean hangs his head, leaning into the touch. Still, there’s no sound, no acknowledgment. 

A moment passes, then Cas steps back. If Dean is not ready, then Cas’ll wait; after all, he’s been alive for millennia. He can wait a while longer.

-

The walk back to the Impala is short, Dean’s shoulders bowed under a weight he can’t express.

Cas reaches for the door handle when Dean stops him. 

“I just—” Despite everything, Dean still can’t say it. There’s a look that passes between the two of them. Cas can’t describe it, this feeling in his chest. Somehow, right now, it’s different than before. 

“I understand, Dean.”

It’s the last thing they say to each other for the night.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not entirely satisfied by this but I thank you for reading!


End file.
